Performance jokes
Me and my friends are going to create a Steps tribute band. We are all in wheelchairs, so we are going to be called "Ramps."
How do rappers stay warm in the winter?
They drop FIRE TRACKS.
Why did Michael Jackson run?
Because he lost his glove.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Why did the dog join the marching band?
Because he had his trum-bone.
One Erection would be a very nice name for a gay band.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.
I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
What do you call a heterosexual man performing fellatio on another heterosexual man?
Bisexual.
He sing, he dance, he he.
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?
He wanted to see a floor show.
Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.
There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.
Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"
Q: I have a fish that can breakdance! A: Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.