A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
Why can't disabled people make jokes?
Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
Why are heterosexual women jealous of gay men?
because gay men can perform fellatio on men better than they can.
What is the difference between a man performing anilingus on a woman and a man performing cunnilingus on a woman?
If a man is performing anilingus on a woman, it is not classified as heterosexual sodomy, you fucking idiot!!!!!
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco.
What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do on guitar?
Fingering A minor.
Why can't Michael Jackson ever win in a race? Because he always comes in a little behind.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.
