Performance jokes
What’s a rapper’s favorite martial art?
Punchlines.
My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.
I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
Cristiano Clapnaldo woke up FEELING DANGEROUS against Real Sociedad!
- 0 tapins! - 0 assists! - 3/3 dives! - 0 key passes! - 2 big chances missed! - 1/4 dribbles! - 2 Offsides! - 27 claps!
Better than Elanga?
What do you call a rapper who's also a magician?
A LYRICAL WIZARD
Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.
There was a news story the other day where a magician disappeared. He was like "At the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Dos," and he disappeared without a trace.
Why did the rapper apologize to the sidewalk?
He didn’t mean to SPIT that hard.
What goes up but never goes down?
My grades.
(I wish)
These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.
2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!
Louis' IQ is like his running; always two points below average.
How do rappers greet each other?
With a "Mic check, one-two."
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
They were going through a stage!
What do you call a musician 👩🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?
A popsinger.
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
My son and I went on a tour to the Old Trafford Stadium. We were admiring the 76,000 seat arena when he suddenly pointed at the pitch.
“Dad, who is that man camping there?” I said, “Son, that is Bruno Penandes. He lives in that Penalty box. He only performs in small games.”
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
Why did the rapper bring a comb to the concert?
Because he wanted to STYLE his FLOW.
Please welcome Mozart's The Magic Flute...
In A minor.
Yo mama's so ugly, and her voice is so loud that The X Factor doesn't want or need her to show up to the performances when she sings.