Past jokes

What do you get when a dinosaur farts?

A blast from the past!

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

So this blind man was walking down the street with his stick, right? And he walked past this fish market, he took a deep breath and said, "WWOAAH GOODMORNING LADIES!"

Your mum is so fat that when she walked past the television, I missed a whole series of SpongeBob.

The streets go blank in the dead of the day, not a car to be seen.

A kingdom of corona-cation, and it looks like mom's the queen.

The wind is howling with this virus in the air.

Couldn't keep it in China, everyone knows it's everywhere.

Don't let friends in, don't be afraid.

Be the good girl you always have to be.

Conceal, don't feel your insanity, that the virus caused!

Don't let it go! Don't let it go! You have to hold it back a little more! Don't let it go! Don't let it go! Turn away and slam your doors!

I don't care what the government says! Let me go to my friend's house.

Sickness doesn't get to me anyway.

It's funny how some distance makes everyone insane, and the fears that once controlled me are here and present, oh well!

It's time to see what I can do to test the limits and break through!

No right, no wrong, but stay inside!

WE'RE NOT FREE!!

Don't let it go! Don't let it go! Be one with the peace inside!! Don't let it go! Don't let it go! Watch sad movies and cry!! Here I stand!! And here I'll stay!! 'Cause I have nothing better to do.

The virus flurries through the air into my house!

The storm is spiraling, fear and fractals all around!!

And one thought makes you wanna scream and shout out loud!!

What if we never go back? What if the past is in the past????

DON'T LET IT GO DON'T LET IT GO!! And you'll rise at the break of noon! DON'T LET IT GO DON'T LET IT GO!! That's morning girl is gone!! HERE I STAND IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT 'CAUSE THAT'S WHEN I WOKE UP!! Let the virus rage on!!!!!! The sickness never gets to me anyway. DING.

You're so ugly that blind people cry when you walk past them.

I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.

"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"

There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:

"I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."

Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"

The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

Johnny, Johnny?

Yes, Papa.

Eating sugar?

Yes, Papa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach, and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you’re mad at me for eating a little sugar.

Smoking? Telling lies?

Yes, Papa, you do all of those things because you’re a chronic addict.

People with bad past end up creating the worst future...

TJ's hairline is so far back, if you travel back in time, you still won't find it.

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.

The past, the present, and the future were having an argument. It was tense.

Q: Why can't you run through a campground?

A: You can only ran, because it's past tents!

How do you get 50 hungry kids into a box? You put a can of beans in there.

How do you get 50 hungry kids out of a box? You run past with a can opener.

My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.

Nasruddin Hodja was tilling his patch of land when a hunter came riding up.

“Hey, you!" said the man. “Did you see a boar run past?"

“Yes," replied Hodja.

“Which way did it go?" demanded the man.

Hodja pointed in the direction in which the boar had gone.

The man rode away without a word of thanks, but he was back within minutes.

“No sign of it!" he said. “Are you sure it went that way?"

“I am certain," replied Hodja. “It went that way. Two years ago."

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.