Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”
Person 2: “Seven.”
Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”
Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”
(Based on an encounter I had recently)
Past Jokes
My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.
It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.
You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?
When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...
...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)
Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.
*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*
*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*
Well what am I gonna do now...
How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
Snover1: You can't pass through Snow Way!
Squirtle: Why can't I pass through Snow Way?
Snover1: There's snow in the way.
Snover2: Yeah, you can't get past through the snow while it's on the way, to continuous.
Squirtle: What? There's snow in here the whole time. What is this? Snow Society?!
"AAAAARRRGGH!!"
Squirtle: Who is that?
Snover2: That is Snow.
Squirtle: What?! That giant snow tree thing is Abomasnow!
Snover2: Oops! Don't be a Halt!
"Haaaaaaaaallllltttt!!!"
"Aaaaaauuuuggghhhh!"
Snovers: That was a JOKE, Squirtle be FROZEN, just let it go, let it go!
So, a retarded kid's mom drops her kid off at school and says, "You better stop the bus today, because I’m not picking you up." So he agrees, and he arrives at the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The next day, the mom says the same thing, and the kid goes to the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The third day, his mom says, "I don’t care if I have to jump out in the middle of the road, you better stop that bus!" So the kid goes to the bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says, "Stop!" The bus driver runs over him. A nearby lady stops the bus and says, "Why’d you run that poor kid over?" and he responds, "'Cause he was making fun of me" (in a retarded voice).
What does the blind man say when walking past the fish market?
“Good evening, ladies.”
Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?
Friends: What?
Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It gets really tense.
What do you call a virgin kid locked in a room with a pedophile? Past tense.
Hi guys, the prankster is back!
I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...
When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!
Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!
Why can't the orphan run past third base?
'Cause the orphan doesn't have a home to run to.
Your mum is so fat that when she walked past the television, I missed a whole series of SpongeBob.
A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.
"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"
Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
It's past April Fool's Day, and we still have a joke as president.
I see 6 letters in "the past."
I have 2020 vision.
I see 7 letters in "the future," I have 2021 vision.
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
