Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
Parenthood Jokes
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
Kid #1: You're adopted.
Kid #2: At least they wanted me.
Kid #1: Did your real parents want you?
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face...
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?
Because the children kept calling me "daddy."
My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to do it in the water.
Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
What does a man with 20 children do now?
Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.
Give me baby girl names for a pregnant YouTuber.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
A baby is like another step. You use it just the same as the other steps.
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
What's pink, red, and silver and bumps into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
Dad: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Dad: Because you’re going to need them there.
I had a new "blonde parts expert" woman call for parts. I needed 2 ought wire for a job. She calls NAPA auto and asks for twat wire. The parts guy was assuming she didn't know about Planned Parenthood? .. 😂🤣
What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?
They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"
