Parenthood jokes
Kid #1: You're adopted.
Kid #2: At least they wanted me.
Kid #1: Did your real parents want you?
What do parents feeding their kids and terrorists have in common?
“Here comes the airplane!”
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
What's the same about a newborn and a football?
You can kick them both very easily.
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to do it in the water.
Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
What does a man with 20 children do now?
Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.
Give me baby girl names for a pregnant YouTuber.
My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.
A baby is like another step. You use it just the same as the other steps.
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
What's pink, red, and silver and bumps into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
Dad: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Dad: Because you’re going to need them there.
What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?
They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"