Parenthood jokes
Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?
Because the children kept calling me "daddy."
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
What do parents feeding their kids and terrorists have in common?
“Here comes the airplane!”
Kid #1: You're adopted.
Kid #2: At least they wanted me.
Kid #1: Did your real parents want you?
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
What does a man with 20 children do now?
Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.
Give me baby girl names for a pregnant YouTuber.
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to do it in the water.
Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.
A baby is like another step. You use it just the same as the other steps.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
Dad: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Dad: Because you’re going to need them there.
What's pink, red, and silver and bumps into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?
They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."