Parenthood jokes

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face...

Kid #1: You're adopted.

Kid #2: At least they wanted me.

Kid #1: Did your real parents want you?

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?

Because the children kept calling me "daddy."

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

What does a man with 20 children do now?

Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Give me baby girl names for a pregnant YouTuber.

My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.

A baby is like another step. You use it just the same as the other steps.

Dad: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.

Child: But why?

Dad: Because you’re going to need them there.

What's pink, red, and silver and bumps into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes.

I had a new "blonde parts expert" woman call for parts. I needed 2 ought wire for a job. She calls NAPA auto and asks for twat wire. The parts guy was assuming she didn't know about Planned Parenthood? .. 😂🤣

What is David Bowie known for when making music? He gets his beats from his kids.