Parenthood jokes
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
A virgin is what I called my daughter before I took that away from her.
Tell your adopted kid you want to take them back home and tell them their original parents want them, and get them all excited, then take them to the orphanage and tell them their parents died.
Tyler only has a kid because they don't make condoms the size of Lego Men.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What does a gas grenade and a baby have in common?
They both squeal when you throw them.
What is an orphan's favorite time with his family?
"Me time."
My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.
Why did Michael Jackson name his kid Blanket?
What would you call a cover for your cock?
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."
Why did the orphans like church so much?
So they had someone to call father...
Kid at school tells an orphan, "I fucked your mom."
Orphan: "What's a mom?"
What’s the bravest thing a man can do?
Say, “I’m going to get milk!” to his wife and kids.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy".
"Cummy wummy all over my mummy."
Why did an orphan have s**? To have someone to call daddy.
Why do orphans like fucking other dads?
Because they get to have a daddy.
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.