Parenthood jokes
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
"Come on, man, give the orphans a break with these jokes."
"No, not until their parents pick them up."
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.
Guys, my sister's pregnant!
I'm finally a dad!
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.
So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Wife: "Hi honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not...."
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
Why is Helen Keller's child blind too? She always fed it with a fork!
"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"
"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"
I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."
Father: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Father: So you won’t be bored. You’re going to need them there.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.