Parenthood jokes
What's the same about a newborn and a football?
You can kick them both very easily.
Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"
A game that all orphans hate,
"Who's your Daddy?"
My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.
If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"
Q: Why can't orphans be gay?
A: They have no one to call "daddy."
What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
What do an abortion and a baby have in common?
The mom doesn't want either of them.
Why does Santa not have any children?
He only cums once a year.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
What's the name of a cannibal's favorite all-you-can-eat buffet? Planned Parenthood!
Why did the orphan grow up to be a priest?
So he could be called Father Les.
What did the mom say when her child came out?
"The head was so big!"
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.
+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.
+1 Comet.
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.
The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.
The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.
What am I?
A: A baby.
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.
What is an orphan's favorite time with his family?
"Me time."