Parenthood jokes
Adopted kid: I made a big mistake!
Dad: You are one.
Father: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Father: So you won’t be bored. You’re going to need them there.
What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
What do an abortion and a baby have in common?
The mom doesn't want either of them.
Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...
"Sinister Laugh"
I had a new "blonde parts expert" woman call for parts. I needed 2 ought wire for a job. She calls NAPA auto and asks for twat wire. The parts guy was assuming she didn't know about Planned Parenthood? .. 😂🤣
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face...
What's the name of a cannibal's favorite all-you-can-eat buffet? Planned Parenthood!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
When a woman is something weeks or months pregnant and her stomach has a visible bump, everyone rubs her tummy, but no one tickles the husband's balls and says, "Good job, buddy!"
What does an orphan call a family photo?
A wishlist.
What's the same about a newborn and a football?
You can kick them both very easily.
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.
Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.
When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."