My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure. One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four.
What do parents feeding their kids and terrorists have in common?
“Here comes the airplane!”
+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.
+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.
+1 Comet.
Father: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Father: So you won’t be bored. You’re going to need them there.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
What does the "f" stand for in orphan?
Family.
What's the same about a newborn and a football?
You can kick them both very easily.
"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.
(Later)
"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.
A game that all orphans hate,
"Who's your Daddy?"
