Parenthood jokes
What does an orphan call a family photo?
A wishlist.
When a woman is something weeks or months pregnant and her stomach has a visible bump, everyone rubs her tummy, but no one tickles the husband's balls and says, "Good job, buddy!"
What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Kid #1: You're adopted.
Kid #2: At least they wanted me.
Kid #1: Did your real parents want you?
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
What does a gas grenade and a baby have in common?
They both squeal when you throw them.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Q: Why can't orphans be gay?
A: They have no one to call "daddy."
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
What do parents feeding their kids and terrorists have in common?
“Here comes the airplane!”
Mom, am I adopted?
What? No. "In head" No, dah, bitch.