What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
What do parents feeding their kids and terrorists have in common?
“Here comes the airplane!”
Mom, am I adopted?
What? No. "In head" No, dah, bitch.
+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.
+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.
+1 Comet.
Father: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Father: So you won’t be bored. You’re going to need them there.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
I'm just a prom night dumpster baby I got no mam or dad. Prom night dumpster baby My story isn't long, but boy, it's awfully sad. Although I came from a hole (Although I came from a hole) I'm singin' right from the soul (I'm singin' right from the soul)
My fanny needs a blanket And somebody to spank it I miss my mam But she's at the prom So I'm prom night dumpster baby Prom night dumpster baby
And I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) Hahaha, I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll)
Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
Noticing how wet and gentle the baby's mouth was on the bottle tip, this gave Uncle Willie an idea.
