"Why couldn’t the DJ keep any of the fish he caught?
He kept dropping the bass."
Why did the rapper become a carpenter?
To build some SOLID BARS.
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
A money manager who counts bars.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
A chemical store burned down, and the firefighter just stood there, but at the end, the store fire just went out by itself. But the store owner still got angry.
Store owner: Why didn't you take out the fire?
Firefighter: Yeah, but it went out by itself.
Store owner: But still, why?
Firefighter: Your chemical store sells H20.
Store owner: Oh, I get it now!
My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"
He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!"
The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.
What’s a nun's weapon of choice?
Nun-chucks.
Did you hear about the blonde that worked at the Dollar Store?
She called for a price check.
I've patched 1,000 roofs, and they don't call you Boris the roof patcher. I've built 100,000 swords and shields, and they don't call you Boris the blacksmith, but you fuck one goat!
Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...
Bloody seamen.
What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
Picasshole.
Q: What's the difference between a folk singer and a 14" pizza?
A: The pizza can support a family of four.
What did the tree say to the Lumberjack? Leaf me alone!
What do you call a cowboy with Down syndrome? A whipped potato.
What do hookers and porn stars have in common? They get paid for sex and get STD's.
I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!
What do you call a magician that makes beer? Brew-dini?
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that does comedy?
Sit down comedy.
