I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
My name, my address, and my phone number.
Kid: What is between mom's legs?
Dad: Paradise.
Kid: What's between your legs?
Dad: The key to paradise.
Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
What did one traffic light say to the other?
"Stop looking, I am changing."
How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness.
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? -- Just Juan.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question, feminists don't change anything.
How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.
