News jokes

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

Just remembering the day when the Jets beat the New York Giants.

As an actor going to film a new TV show in another country, when TSA asks, "What’s the purpose of your visit?"... "I’m going to shoot a pilot" is never a good answer.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

New Gen iPhones are designed for orphans, because they don’t need a home button.

What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?

They can both carve a new emotion.

News: Ook! says an interviewed monkey.

Did you hear about the new Oasis restaurant?

Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.

Why do depressed people want to kill themselves?

To be loved on the news show for 10 minutes.

Have you heard about the new cereal?

It's called "Prostituties."

They don't snap, crackle, or pop, but they sure do bang!

What does a cop say when they shoot ginger?

"Orange is the new black."

NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.

(Extra Cholesterol)

An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."

The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?

They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.