Dad: If you study, then I will buy you a new iPhone.
Son: Okay, I'll do it!
5 hours later...
Son: I'm done!
Dad: I lied.
Son: So did I!
Did you hear about the new Oasis restaurant?
Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.
I saw a helicopter on January 26, 2020. Then Kobe was on the news.
As an actor going to film a new TV show in another country, when TSA asks, "What’s the purpose of your visit?"... "I’m going to shoot a pilot" is never a good answer.
I like my girlfriend's new secondary school uniform, I guess, but doesn’t beat her old primary school one. 😀
News: Ook! says an interviewed monkey.
I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...
I used to be emo.
Have you heard about the new cereal?
It's called "Prostituties."
They don't snap, crackle, or pop, but they sure do bang!
Why do depressed people want to kill themselves?
To be loved on the news show for 10 minutes.
"If all of these structures break we will all die."
And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"
And he said, "It would be breaking news."
An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."
The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
What’s the difference between a barcode and Rachel Sutherland’s wrist?
Nothing, they both get scanned for a fresh new pack of razor blades.
I would like to complain about the new sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. Although there were large portions going round on the conveyor, they did taste a bit like luggage.
New skin unlocked: Blood splatter!
(Obtained by running over 69 children.)
What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?
They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.
Why is the U.S. so mad about the Twin Towers? It was an accident. The pilots were new.
Paul Walker made a new wrap cover it's called flying through the windshield and the song's name is crossing the street
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.
One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”
