News jokes

As an actor going to film a new TV show in another country, when TSA asks, "What’s the purpose of your visit?"... "I’m going to shoot a pilot" is never a good answer.

Dad: If you study, then I will buy you a new iPhone.

Son: Okay, I'll do it!

5 hours later...

Son: I'm done!

Dad: I lied.

Son: So did I!

Why did he die? He forgot to get a new GPU for his new PC.

I saw a helicopter on January 26, 2020. Then Kobe was on the news.

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

Just remembering the day when the Jets beat the New York Giants.

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

Why do depressed people want to kill themselves?

To be loved on the news show for 10 minutes.

Every kid in a classroom is relevant, because if one of them gets shot, they will all be featured on the news.

Have you heard about the new cereal?

It's called "Prostituties."

They don't snap, crackle, or pop, but they sure do bang!

"If all of these structures break we will all die."

And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"

And he said, "It would be breaking news."

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.

(Extra Cholesterol)

Just saw the news that Kobe passed. I guess there's a first for everything.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?

One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”