News jokes

A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.

"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"

And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.

"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"

And so he did.

There's a new Michael Jackson biopic in the works. There is a possibility that we will know who his love interest was.

What we know so far: Billie Jean is not his lover, and that kid [seen with him] is not his son. We also know that Michael Jackson said that sharing his bed with little boys is "healing" and an act of "sharing the love," so take that as you will.

How do you tell a child they have cancer?

With a smile on your face.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

Why does New York have the Jets as their football team if those are what took out the Twin Towers?

Dad: If you study, then I will buy you a new iPhone.

Son: Okay, I'll do it!

5 hours later...

Son: I'm done!

Dad: I lied.

Son: So did I!

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?

They can both carve a new emotion.

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

New Gen iPhones are designed for orphans, because they don’t need a home button.

News: Ook! says an interviewed monkey.

Just remembering the day when the Jets beat the New York Giants.

I like my girlfriend's new secondary school uniform, I guess, but doesn’t beat her old primary school one. 😀

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

Why did he die? He forgot to get a new GPU for his new PC.

Did you hear about the new Oasis restaurant?

Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

I saw a helicopter on January 26, 2020. Then Kobe was on the news.