My jokes

I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.

Um, I need help. How should I deal with depression?

Joke: I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

What do you call lesbians having sex?

My cheating dyke ex-wife!

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

So, you're human, huh? Well, I'm a skeleton, so not much gets under my skin.

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

My friend's 4-year-old daughter made up this joke.

What kind of poo should you put in your hair?

Shampoo.

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

I hope Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, 'cause I need some parts for my go-cart.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

A "monster" that has 2 heads, 2 bodies, 6 feet, why am I not afraid of the "monster"? It's my dad riding a horse.

Yo mama is so ugly, when I took a picture of her, my phone screen cracked.