My jokes

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.

1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

My teacher walked up to the emo kid and told him, "I like your striped red and tan gloves." And she asked, "Where did you get them?" The emo kid replied, "Oh, I made the red stripes myself."

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

What are the similarities between a 14-year-old pregnant girl and her unborn fetus?

They are both thinking, "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me."

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.