My jokes

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

My teacher walked up to the emo kid and told him, "I like your striped red and tan gloves." And she asked, "Where did you get them?" The emo kid replied, "Oh, I made the red stripes myself."

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

Guys, don’t let nobody hurt you with words.

Like someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

What are the similarities between a 14-year-old pregnant girl and her unborn fetus?

They are both thinking, "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me."

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

My dad just comes and goes.

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.