My jokes

Guys, don’t let nobody hurt you with words.

Like someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

I can see my future in your forehead.

My teacher walked up to the emo kid and told him, "I like your striped red and tan gloves." And she asked, "Where did you get them?" The emo kid replied, "Oh, I made the red stripes myself."

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.

1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.

I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.