My jokes

My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.

My sad ass life.

Bro, my friend told me all his humor is dead and dry, and I was like, "Just like 9/11 victims."

My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".

My friends: "I dare you to go home."

Ayo imagine having a chocolate fountain, but instead it cost a billion dollars a gallon and you have a hundred thousands, that number will never equate to how many porno magazines and alcoholic beverages and malty liquors stolen from my brother's bedroom as a desperate attempt at being edgy. Ayo, maybe instead of the future cars being powered by petroleum oil and gas, but with hot chocolate.

So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.

He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

A kid is learning about planets in school, when he hears the planet Uranus. Knowing it's the perfect opportunity for a joke, the kid replies, "Where's my anus?"

Boy/girl: I love you.

Me: I love me too! But sorry, my mom said I can't date trash. Go back to the trashcan.

The boy/girl: I- *Is depressed*

What did the computer say when it was tired of the user?

Kiss my ASCII!

What is my most popular side of myself?

Suicide.

My PC.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Me: *in a family meeting*

Mom: Ok guys...

Me in my mind: BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

Why is my pee pee 2 inches in length but 5 in girth?

Your mama's so fat that she can’t even talk, even if Kevin says, "Oh my gosh!" 'cause she has a big ass mouth.