My jokes

I raped a girl and I liked it.

I hope my girlfriend won't mind it.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right.

Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

You see, my son is very into astronomy.

Son: How do stars die?

Dad: Usually overdose, son.

I'm such an asshole to my son, my wife divorced me.

Hello my fellow Americans, I'm playing Clash Royale for the USA clan, and two towers are already gone?

I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"

Today my biology teacher asked me what's commonly found in a cell......... And apparently "black people" isn't the right answer.

To anyone who wants to be my friend:

Hello.

Does anyone wanna be my friend? Please if ya' do reply to my: "Hello." In the chat. Tysm. Have a greaat day!

Alex <3

Hey, yesterday I played with my sister. When I woke up, she was gone.

I did have a good night's sleep and a good day today, and tomorrow I have [planned] for a good night's sleep, and sleep with my...

I would tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I can only think of the punchline.

Who wants to hear the biggest joke ever?

My life.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The guy behind the bar says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets!"

Me: Sister, are you wearing makeup?

My sister wearing all the world's makeup.

Sister: Just a little.

It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.

My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."

Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

Do you like Imagine Dragons?

Imagine draggin' my balls on your face.

My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)