My jokes
Hi Freshfry, hi Alex, I did not see your messages yesterday because I was at my brother's soccer game, and then people came to our house till 11:00. Lol, sorry :)
10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.
My brother likes his Vegemite so black, it stole our car.
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”
A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.
He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.
I got to work.
Ben: Oh no, my boss is here. I hate my job and I'm terrified of my boss.
Ben: Uh, hey, hey Mr. Boss.
Boss: Have a nice day.
Ben: Ok, bye!
Boss:??
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?
You brighten my day.
My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.
A B C D E F G.
Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!
I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.
Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.
Me: I call my girl Cinderella.
Friend: Why?
Me: Because she loves balls.
Someone in my class yelled "Jenga!" while watching a documentary about the Twin Towers.
It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.
The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!
My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
9/11 is like me after I'm finished with my Lego house. I destroy it! 😄🤣
Ya, I have a Hydro Flask.
H: My Y: Grandpa D: Sticks R: His O: Cock F: Up L: My A: Ass S: K:
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.
"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."