My jokes

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?

My boner.

I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

Guys, don’t let nobody hurt you with words.

Like someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

I can see my future in your forehead.

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.