My Jokes

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.

1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.

I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.