My jokes

I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.

Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.

I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.

My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.