My jokes

Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.

I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.