My jokes

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.

We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.

I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.

My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.