My jokes

Why is my butt wet? I forgot.

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

That’s right, I have my own category😎

Suck on my big fat ding dong, you idiot!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

My I.

May I who?

May I put this pussy on your mouth?

POV: Wine Taster in hell.

I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"

The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.

"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."

"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."

Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked my mom how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your new stepfather."

"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.

So, my mom looked in the mirror today, and we need a new one.

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn’t actually tell me the joke... I was the joke. 😭😭😭😔😔😔😒😒😒

This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.

Say the drive through at McDonald's, order (don't say the sake) but when you get it ask them, "My sake?" and say, "Sake that ass."

I played Rock Paper Scissors with my friend Enyaw. I cba with jokes basically me and Enyaw always scissor.

What's the difference between me and you?

I leave white stains in your mom's bed, and you leave white stains in my mom's bed!

The duck bought lipstick. When he paid, he said, "Put it on my bill."

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.