My jokes

The joke is my life.

Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."

My favorite joke is my life.

I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"

My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.

Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"

Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for my prostate exam.

Doctor: Yup.

Male: Ok I'm ready....hey doc that doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: He he yeah...im not a doctor.

I like my wine how I like my women: 7 years old, and locked up in my basement.

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."

There were 1 mom and 3 kids. The first kid comes up and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a daisy fell on your head." The second kid asks their mom, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a butterfly landed on your head." Then the third kid yells, "Ahjoejienfkef." The mom says, "Shut up, Brick!"

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.

In death, what is the only organ in a woman's body to remain warm?

My dick.

Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.