My jokes

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

what do you call a baby in an oven?

my next meal.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

I'm gonna jump to my death.

Don't worry. I won't jump far.

Just off this chair here...

"What's your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

I bought a book for my blind friend.

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

Scientists say I'm made up of 75% of water.

But after jumping in the ocean, it's 100%, just like my depression.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.