My jokes

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.

I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

My uncle can't walk straight. I think it's because he's gay.

Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Me: "My grandpa killed 100 nazis."

My friend: "Well, my grandpa killed Hitler."

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"