My jokes

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

What are the similarities between a 14-year-old pregnant girl and her unborn fetus?

They are both thinking, "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me."

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.

I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”