My jokes

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

I'm making a new movie, it's called "Veggie Tales." My star actor is Stephen Hawking.

I like my women like I like my scotch:

12 years old and mixed with coke.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your laughter's melody, Makes my world anew.

Your hairline is so repulsive that my entire family got eye cancer from seeing it, and it goes so far back that you be looking like Vegeta.

I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.

Superman has been called to a huge house fire. Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!" Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--" Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."

Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well no sir." And grandpa said, then no, you can't.

Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said let me get a hit of that, and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And Johnny said no again. Then papaw was shooting his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d**k reached his a**, and Johnny said no.

Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d**k reach your a**?" And papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f**k yourself because you ain't getting none of my ice cream!"

My guy: I have a Q-Tip.

Me: You can Q my tip.

My guy: Ayo!

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

My sister: You were born ugly.

Me: I'm not a mirror, sis.

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

This kinda reminds me of when my mum was feeding me. She always used to say, "Open wide for the delicious plane."

I like my vegetables like I like my women: forgotten at the bottom of my freezer.

My bestie: Are you dirty-minded?

Me: Do I have dirt in my mind? No.

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

"My name must taste good; it's always in your mouth."

My back is straighter than I am, and I literally have scoliosis.