My jokes

My dad just comes and goes.

Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”

Me: "My grandpa killed 100 nazis."

My friend: "Well, my grandpa killed Hitler."

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.