My jokes

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

I can see my future in your forehead.

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.

- How did the gay person die? Homicide.

- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.

- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.

- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.

- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.

One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

What are the similarities between a 14-year-old pregnant girl and her unborn fetus?

They are both thinking, "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me."

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.