My jokes

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.

Your face looks like my butt, but it looks like you.

Me: The light wow brighter than my future.

Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.

I got a PS5 for my nine-year-old sister. At the time, I thought it was the best trade I’d ever made. But now I’m regretting not being able to molest her anymore.

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

I traded my sister for a slice of pizza. Damn, that pizza was good!

My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)

Your hairline and my car go Lighting McQueen speed because he never came back with the milk.

I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

My life, but wait, jokes actually have meaning.

Like my daddy? Too bad you don't have one.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!

Little boy: Momma?

Mom: Yes, my dear.

Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.

Mom: Why!?

Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

What’s the favorite song of someone with an Oedipus Complex?

“My Mommy Comes Back”

This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.

I bought my son a trampoline. That little a**hole stayed in his wheelchair the whole day.