My jokes

What did the orphan say to its parents?

"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"

They people: "No."

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

My dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

I like my wine like my women:

16 and in my basement.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

"Hey, today was great!"

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car!"

Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”

Friend: Ok?

Me: I'mma hit puberty!

*hits my friend*

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.