My jokes

Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

I accidentally sucked my own ball sack.

I wish I was dead like my jokes.

What’s the difference between a pornstar covered in slime and The White Stripes?

One has "Icky Thump," and the other does "icky hump."

Me rn: "Yo yo yo, for pre-K I went to K.I.S.S. a school."

My friend: "What is K.I.S.M.A.?"

Me: "K.I.S.M.A. balls!"

What is white, then red, and is very fast?

My chainsaw blade.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

What's the similarity between an orphan and my dick?

They both will die alone.

Are you the Twin Towers? Because you made my heart explode.

What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?

Answer: Putin, put out!

OK, OK, what's up with the fake Gwens? I am going to use a test to see who is real or not.

The real Gwen will know this. When did I come onto this website? Next question, what is my real name, and do I go on cursing rampages? Only the real Gwen can complete this test with the right answers.

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

Do you know why I finger women with my left hand?

Because they don’t deserve rights!

I just wanna say thanks to everyone who favorited my jokes and commented! Thanks!

My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?

Divorced.