My jokes

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...

I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?

Santa got the milk.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was Spanish for blowjob.

What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.

Yo, stop making 9/11 jokes. My grandpa was a pilot.

Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.

Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.

A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.

My neighbor's daughter gave me a three-course meal last night:

Starters - role play and stripping.

Main course - Reverse Cowgirl.

Dessert - Blowy.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

What's the difference between me and my mate...

I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.

My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

I like my wine like my women:

16 and in my basement.

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.