My Jokes

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

Look at my name and you'll see the joke (read it out loud).

Meme:

A chat between two people where the first person says, "Dude, I got a girl!" and the second replies, "Me too bro!!" The first one asks "Where is she from?" The first says, "She's from another nation". The second one asks "Which nation". The first one answers: "My imagiNATION". Then the second person says "My gf lives by the sea." Then the first person asks "Which sea?" Finally the second person responds: "My fantaSEA". Under the chat are two anime characters looking sad.

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

When I shit in the toilet, I think that if I shit hard enough, I can see my asshole plug.

I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were.

Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?

Nothing, they both stain.

I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?

Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.

Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today and tomorrow. I have to go home from home and walk home. Walk and a bike. Walk, walk, and a bike to school tomorrow night. I have to have lunch with my mom and dad, and I have dinner with you tonight.