My jokes

I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.

Lick my BALLS!

My grandpa and your hairline go way back.

When my mom said you have to listen to classical music at my new school, I had to listen to it twenty-four seven. After that, I sang the song [with] the wrong melody for my music teacher 😎

I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"

She replied, "Two or three."

Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

3 year old boy: 1... 2...uh....?

Older brother: Ooh I know! 1, 2, 3 get the fuck off my apple tree!

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.

What were my great grandpa's last words?

"SHIT MG42!!!"

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

I thought happiness started with an “H.” Why does my happiness start with “U”?

What did the pelican say when he finished shopping?

"Put it in my bill."

"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."

Ok.

"Thank you, what is your wish?"

I wish for my 5 cents back.

My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"

I read to deaf kids in my spare time.