My jokes

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

My dad died during 9/11, he was the best pilot in all Saudi Arabia.

Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could plow thru Uranus because it's all gas.

So, at school there are these twins. At my school, I folded two paper airplanes to throw at them. Once I realized why it felt so wrong to do it, I had already threw them. I hit the north, then the south one.

No joke. I just want to say that my thoughts are with the Ukrainian people, and I wish them the best. Best of luck.

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

I got caught fucking a dead body by my family. RIP grandma.

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

Dear Orphans,

I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)

My sister thinks she's so smart and funny. The only thing that is funny is her face.

Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.

Everyone at the barbecue...

I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.

I needn't have bothered.

The next day, it was smeared all over my face.

The only thing brighter than my cuteness is the fire on the Twin Towers.

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...

Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.

My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.

Have a guess who came crawling back?

This category is messed up.

My Mom died in 9/11, at least she was doing what she loved, flying planes.