Me: The light wow brighter than my future.
My Jokes
What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?
Answer: Putin, put out!
Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
"Jesus is the pioneer of Hollywood. He's still famous and my favorite idol."
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
If R. Kelly was a therapist:
14 year old: I hate my life.
R. Kelly: I feel you.
I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"
I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"
My Grandpa was supposed to be in 9/11, but airport security got him.
I had to go to my friend's house.
I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???
This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.
My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.
(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)
One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.
She asked me, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."
My friend asks me what does "idk" mean. I said, "I dion't know." My friend says, "You mean I don't know." I said, "That's what I said!"
Me: Do you like cobble?
My friend: No.
Me: Gobble deez nuts!
Who wants to buy my new NFT?
Roses are red, violets are blue, like my hole, Uncle Bill is making me full, better run here he comes!
Do you know why I finger women with my left hand?
Because they don’t deserve rights!
My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."
I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.
