My jokes

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

I like my wine like my women:

16 and in my basement.

What's the difference between me and my best friends?

At least one of us has a house.

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

What did the orphan say to its parents?

"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"

They people: "No."

Worst joke ever: me and my user.

Orphan: Asks you random joke. What is the difference between my boomerang and my parents?

Me: The boomerang came back.

Someone asked me to go to hell, so I drove to my local middle school.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

I accidentally sucked my own ball sack.

I wish I was dead like my jokes.

What’s the difference between a pornstar covered in slime and The White Stripes?

One has "Icky Thump," and the other does "icky hump."

Me rn: "Yo yo yo, for pre-K I went to K.I.S.S. a school."

My friend: "What is K.I.S.M.A.?"

Me: "K.I.S.M.A. balls!"

What is white, then red, and is very fast?

My chainsaw blade.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”