My jokes

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

Want to know what I do in my freetime?

Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?

I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."

My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.

Scan my wrist for 75% off!

My friend died from Ligma!

Ligma balls.

Gays are always welcome on my Redneck Party Bus. NOT!

What does my dad and the Twin Towers have in common? They used to be with us, now it's just a sensitive topic.

Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.

Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.

Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

I rate my dad as a pilot 9 out of 11.

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!