My jokes
What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.
I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
Short girl: "How do you see up there?"
Tall guy: "Who said that?"
I spit my drink out and then ran away.
I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"
"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Want to know what I do in my freetime?
Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.
I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.
My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.
Scan my wrist for 75% off!
I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.
I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!