My jokes

My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.

Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."

My hips can't move, but Heineken.

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.

Have you heard my cherry joke? It's pitiful.

Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"

Want my cookie? Come and get it... 😭

You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?

Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...

Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

Are you Hiroshima? Because I want to drop my bomb inside you.

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”

Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.