My jokes
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?
My dog died. I'm so sad.
I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"
Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"
What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
Memes
BF: Babe, I have two questions.
GF: Ok, ask!
BF: Where have you been all my life?
GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?
BF: Can you please go back there?
"Hey, hey, Spongebob! Water you doing?" [laughs]
"Just looking for all my coins with my metal detector because beach better have my money!" [laughs]
"How much have you found so far?"
"Y'know what, I'm not really shore!" [laughs]
A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"
"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"
I was born and raised in Newcastle.
My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.
Want to know what I do in my freetime?
Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?
I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.
My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.