My jokes

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

My hips can't move, but Heineken.

Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.

Mÿ pp.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,

It's great being a sniper.

"Hey, hey, Spongebob! Water you doing?" [laughs]

"Just looking for all my coins with my metal detector because beach better have my money!" [laughs]

"How much have you found so far?"

"Y'know what, I'm not really shore!" [laughs]

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

My uncles like the moon.

He comes out at night.

You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.