My jokes

I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

Short girl: "How do you see up there?"

Tall guy: "Who said that?"

I spit my drink out and then ran away.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

My sister: You were born ugly.

Me: I'm not a mirror, sis.

I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"

Thank you so much for helping me get to 20 followers! I'm so happy, every time I look at my followers going up, it makes me so happy. I can't wait to keep posting other things on here! <3

What does my dad and the Twin Towers have in common? They used to be with us, now it's just a sensitive topic.

What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?

I beat both of them.

My balls are high, just like the towers, but when something impales them, they begin to sag.

BF: Babe, I have two questions.

GF: Ok, ask!

BF: Where have you been all my life?

GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?

BF: Can you please go back there?

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."

You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.

My ex died in an anchorage accident.

She always was a sleeping hooker.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"

"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.