The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.
My Jokes
Me scrolling through jokes that sum up my life, starts crying.
My friend: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing, it's just so funny. Lol😂🤣😂
Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*
I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
When the teacher gives me an F on my exam,
but I have an AK-47 in my backpack.
*Is honestly the best policy.*
Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.
Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?
Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.
Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.
I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.
Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Fuck you you rwind my life.
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.
