My jokes

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

Have you heard my cherry joke? It's pitiful.

Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.

Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.

My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?

Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...

Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

My sister: You were born ugly.

Me: I'm not a mirror, sis.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and kids?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My uncles like the moon.

He comes out at night.

9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.