My jokes

My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?

Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...

Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

My sister: You were born ugly.

Me: I'm not a mirror, sis.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and kids?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My uncles like the moon.

He comes out at night.

9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

My girlfriend said I was a ped0phi1e.

That's a big word for a 6 year old!

One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.

Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"

Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."

I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."

Short girl: "How do you see up there?"

Tall guy: "Who said that?"

I spit my drink out and then ran away.

I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,

It's great being a sniper.

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.