My jokes

So I got my brother a jumping castle for his birthday. That bitch cried in his wheelchair.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.

*I was actually up all night watching.*

Mortar is like a woman's fanny; the more you play with it, the wetter it gets.

My tutor just said this quote of 2k18^^^

Pontypool is rough.

When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My live.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

I was kissing my gal when the phone rang. I answered it, and it was a prank. I walked into the room when my girl had sex with me. Then we cummed the house full XD

PS free sex at my name

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

You're the sriracha to my hoisin sauce.

And together, we are pho-ever.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

Come, my children, to the bread cult!

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."

My dad died lol.