Mate Jokes

Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!” A man in the back responds, “YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

Laura Janke
in Puns

Did you hear about the monkeys that share a amazon account?They where prime mates

Big man

So i went to the doctors and the doctor said "Pick a star sign any star sign" So i said "Aquarius" And the doctor said "nah mate you've got cancer"

0
Anonymous
in Puns

What do you call two monkeys who share the same Amazon account prime mates

Anonymous

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, "okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "what?" As he looked over at Jim.

1
Anonymous
in Offensive

why was my mate in mission impossible because he couldn't find his dad

Anonymous

I think my dads gay bc he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns

Jack Sparrow

NOT all treasure is silver and gold mate

Anonymous

A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells who the fuck fucked my wife. The bartender answers "Mate you ain't got enough bullets."

Anonymous

rape isn't a joke. it's a type of way of making friends, and to mate with other women. it's a way of art, and works on anybody! like this if you agree.

RyanRLinden

Paddys beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married . The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help . Being a bit of a cheapo , he decides not to buy a fan , but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act . After half an hour, still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel ' Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years . Paddy taps his mate Mick on teh shoulder and says 'And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel' !

0
hi

What did the skeleton said to the genderless child? you're fucking dead mate

Anonymous

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password.. Me: Sorry mate it's so short get a longer one 🤣

sofunnyitsbad
in Sea

what did the fish say when seeing his best mate?

I SEA him!

Wassup boiz.
in Pee

Boy: can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: if you sing the abcs. Boy: abcdefghijklmnorstuvwxyz! Teacher: where’s the p? The boys answer: in my pants! Lol. That’s all mates! Have a good day! (Or night)

Anonymous
in Nut

My mates threw nuts at the wall now we call them walnuts

Hahaha :)

Anonymous
in Animal

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar, the man orders a beer one for him and one for the giraffe. After they finish their drinks the giraffe falls over and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door. The bartender says "Stop! you can't leave that thing lying on the floor" The man says "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe".

1

If finding Nemo was scientifically correct, marlin would have changed into a female and mated with Nemo

Christopher Berry
in Stupid jokes

So there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here so take your drink, mates and fuck off." He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense." replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, He's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!". He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink he opens with, "Say aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Anonymous
in Slip

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber." They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B" "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?" "I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her" replied Cobber. "Spot on" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples" "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate" "No… " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper"