My jokes

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...

I wish my grass were emo because then it would cut itself.

My aim is cursed; one of my Angry Birds hit a field.

Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.

What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.