My jokes

My pee pee fell off.

I still remember my grandpa's last words; "Is that loaded?"

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

Roses are red, violets are blue, don't look in my backyard, or I will come for you.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.

I like my men like I like my Alexa:

By my bed and turned on.

Today I asked my best friend what their favorite joke was. They started waving their hands around, and I thought it was a sign to go, thinking I had offended them or something. Turns out they were mute...

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Corvette?

I don’t have a Corvette in my garage.

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

My pen is so strong, ladies, come and get it!

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!

I hate when my father doesn't cook me cocktails for tea.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?