My jokes

In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.

My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

Man: Can you be my girlfriend?

Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.

Man: Oh, here's your rope.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

Why do people always talk about nine eleven???

My dad died that day.

He was a good pilot.

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.

Are you the voices I've been hearing?

Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.

My aim is cursed; one of my Angry Birds hit a field.

I wish my grass were emo because then it would cut itself.

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.