My jokes

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

Come, my children, to the bread cult!