My jokes
Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!
My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.
Memes
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.
We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
I hope Stephen Hawking's an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-cart.
Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”
Person 2: “What happened?”
Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”
Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”
Person 1: “I was in my car.”
I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...
My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"
Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."