My jokes

I wish I didn't have depression because all my friends have "BBC Bitch be crazy" disease.

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm stroking my dick and thinking of you.

My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it). I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait... it’s just one.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

My mum's a carrot.

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.