My jokes

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

Why the f was my shooting joke removed? It was funny, and this is obviously a website for morbid humor. WTF, I mean, worstjokesever.com. Come on...

I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.

I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.

What’s the difference between kids and drugs?

I don’t hide drugs in my basement.

I like my women like I like my wine: 12 years in a basement.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

I wish I didn't have depression because all my friends have "BBC Bitch be crazy" disease.

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it). I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait... it’s just one.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm stroking my dick and thinking of you.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

My mum's a carrot.