Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”
Person 2: “What happened?”
Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”
Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”
Person 1: “I was in my car.”
My Jokes
I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...
My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"
Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
What do you call the worst joke ever?
Well, according to my mom, I am.
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
What does my arm have in common with paper?
They both can be cut.
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.
It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!
My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
