My jokes

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.

It's in my basement.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.