My jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, my heart is dead, I'm such a fool. -Juice Wrld

You might think that tigers or lions are the best jumpers, but in my opinion, it's emos, because some of them are still in the air.

Just cut my thumb open with a knife (not a joke).

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Ketchup.

Ketchup who?

Ketchup my slow tomatoes! 🍅😂

Me: Mrs., can I read my book?

Teacher: Sure.

Me: *watching my Chromebook*

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

One night my brother asked me, "Am I a pro gamer?" I said, "No, you're not a Pro-grammer."

I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)

Me and my mom order Chinese food. So when it came, my mom grabbed the egg roll and started to suck it down. Then I ask my mom what are you doing. Then my mom says, "I love you for 5 dollar."

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, you're in my sun (son)."

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

Why did Helen Keller's cat run away? I would run away if my name was jufhvfhvurhkso.

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.

My nan's gayyyyyy.

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.

Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?

My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).

My friend said I was gay, but then I realised he was talking to the mirror.