My Jokes

Come, my children, to the bread cult!

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

Meme:

The image shows a text message exchange. In the first message, someone says "Hey, I'm David. I lost my ID today near central park." The reply says, "So you are Dav now?" Below this, there is an image of a cartoon bird with big eyes. The text overlaying the bird reads "*Dav", and another text says, "Listen here, you little sh t". At the bottom right corner there is a TikTok user id, "@potkan3000".

You look nice, and you seem like good fun, so if I give you this flower, will you finger my bum?

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

All these jokes really hijacking my mind.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.