My Jokes

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?

Get out of my son!

You wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Never mind, it’s too long.

My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.

Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.

Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.

A three panel comic strip shows a child in bed talking to his mom about a monster under his bed, calling it the most hideous thing he's ever seen. The last panel reveals the monster is actually his brother in the bottom bunk who replies 'Why do you hate me, brother'

I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."

The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.

Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

I wish my name was Voyager 2...

So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)

Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.

Me- *crying in the shower*

Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*

Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"

If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.