My jokes

Orphan

    • I go to get my mail.

    Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"

    Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"

    Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.

  • 7

    • Draft

    • To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.

    “Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”

    “Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”

  • 2

    • Gun

    • I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.

    Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.

  • 3
    • My memes

    Baby

    • How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    More than 10, since my basement's still dark.

  • 0

    • Depression

    • I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

    I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

  • 6

    • TV Show

    • I asked this disabled kid what his favorite TV show is. He looked at me blankly and said "My favorite TV show is Vegetales."

  • 0

    • Dog

    • I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.

  • 8

    • Friend

    • I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"

  • 0

    • Mile

    • Me: I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.

    Old man: I ran over five miles today.

  • 1