My jokes

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

My mum's a carrot.

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.