My jokes

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.

It's in my basement.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok