After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
My Jokes
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?
“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.
A nickname to call your short GF:
Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok
I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.
A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’
I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...
So I threw a coconut at her.
Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.
My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.
Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
