My jokes

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.

I want my first time to be special.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a bouquet in my pants for you.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.

Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"

John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

in can re;ate to this its always going through my mind

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."