My jokes

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a bouquet in my pants for you.

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.