My jokes

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

My mum's a carrot.

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I used to think that I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagi-asian.

I got, I got, I got royalty inside my penis, or however the song goes.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.

It's in my basement.