My jokes
Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!
I'm worth something, I got a barcode on my arm!
My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.
My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.
When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."
I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.
POV there’s a school shooting.
American: First time, European?
European: Yeah, you American?
American: No, not my first time.
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!
What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"
My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...
I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."
What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?
Nemo was eventually found.
My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.
Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.
A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...
Why do they call my dick section 8?
Because all the hoes are on it.
My life is so sad it's because you're in it.
What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?
I would never put a canoe in my garage.
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."