My jokes

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

Why did Helen Keller's cat run away? I would run away if my name was jufhvfhvurhkso.

My fucking life, cya.

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"

Feel my shirt...it's boyfriend material.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.