My jokes

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

I cried while my parents were cutting onions... onions was such a good dog.

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

My favorite joke: My life.

I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

I hate snow. It's white and on my land.

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."