My jokes
I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?
Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza. They got plane.
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."
+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.
+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.
+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.
I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.
Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.
I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.
Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.
My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.
I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.
What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?
“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”
A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.
You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.
My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.