My jokes

My mom walks in a bar and the bartender says "water?" saying "we only sell beer!"

Some kid: Hey, did you know there's an orphanage down the street?!

Me: NO WAY! Wanna check it out?

Kid: NO, IT'S HAUNTED!!

Me: Haunted my ass, let's go!

Kid: Wait, isn't your house also haunted???

Me: Yea

Heyo, my children, hope you haven't forgotten about our cult!

Tell me morbid jokes in comments so I have some jokes for my friend.

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

The only thing brighter than my cuteness is the fire on the Twin Towers.

My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.

Like this post and comment down below if you want me to announce my real name in my next post!

My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

I murdered my friend's brother because he kept saying "HEE HEE" like Michael Jackson when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I just found out he was disabled. That's a THRILLER.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

The person next to me on my flight was shocked when they found out I was Arabian. I lagged so hard my gerber almost fell out of my pocket.

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

Here's some of my weird jokes:

What are rhinos? They're unicorns that let themselves go.

Joke # 2: Why do triangles try every angle of its house? Because it's in its name.

Joke # 3: Wanna hear a cheesy joke? Sorry, the mouse got to the cheese first.

Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.

Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.