Two girls have a sleepover.
Karen: Let's go to bed.
Lauren: Fine, but it's early.
*Karen wakes up and exits room*
*Lauren hears noise*
Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.
Lauren: *laughs*
Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*
Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
Lady: What did you do?
Man: I took a day off...
I hate snow. It's white and on my land.
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."
My sister said that you know that "that" is really cool. Then I said, "You know you can shut up."
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up.
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
I wanted to play as Kobe Bryant on my gaming console, but the game kept crashing.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Me: I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.
Old man: I ran over five miles today.
My mum's a carrot.
What do you call a cup with a handle?
A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(
