My jokes

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

POV there’s a school shooting.

American: First time, European?

European: Yeah, you American?

American: No, not my first time.

What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?

I would never put a canoe in my garage.

Why do the twin towers and my mom have in common? They fell over.

My life is so sad it's because you're in it.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

A Texan and an Alaskan walk into a room, and the Alaskan says, "My state is bigger." Then the Texan says, "It won't be when it melts."

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"

Feel my shirt...it's boyfriend material.