My Jokes

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

YAYYYY

The image shows a list of quotes from different people arguing about whose idol is stronger, starting with "My Idol likely could beat urs in a fight", which leads to a discussion on if Godzilla or Jesus would win.

I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

I cried while my parents were cutting onions... onions was such a good dog.

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

My favorite joke: My life.

I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"