My jokes

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

Feel my shirt...it's boyfriend material.

I just shed my pants.

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.

The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!

Explain Bear is my favorite.

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 and locked in my in a basement.

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.