My jokes

There was an exam music quiz question about Gary Glitter. Now, if there's anyone you don't want to associate with the phrase "shh, turn over, you've got an hour," it's him.

Shit, my bad. I should leave him alone, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

My life...

My great-great-great grandpa killed Hitler.

My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

My wife went to make a cake. The recipe said, "Separate two eggs," so she put one egg in the living room.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you, do you? This is my seat, after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! After all, Pakistanis and Indians are brothers! Are we not?"

The Indian is delighted at how warm and friendly they are, and he takes his seat. Shortly the plane takes off and the three guys are just chilling until the Indian says, "You know it's going to be a long ride and I am getting thirsty. Brothers, can I get any of you like a drink?" Then one of them says, "Yes brother, I would like a Coke!"

The Indian slips off his shoes and walks barefoot to where the stewardess is at, and when the Indian is out of view, one of the Pakistanis spits into his shoe. The Indian comes back and gives him a Coke.

Then the other Pakistani says, "You know what brother? I would also like a Coke too!" The Indian happily obliges, and as soon as he is out of view, he also spits in his shoe before the Indian gives him a Coke.

Finally, the Indian slips on his shoes and suddenly realizes how wet they are. He shakes his head and says, "Brothers! Why must we do this to each other, spitting in each other's shoes and peeing in each other's Cokes?"

My boss found my permanent record at the orphanage, and he’s mad. I got fired...

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

I told my sister a Dairy joke.

She said it was cheesy.

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

I put my leg up in the air sometimes, singing ayo, I'm a flamingo...

My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.

Suck my ass, guys!

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

My wife left me and took the kids.

I told my grampa hello, and I said, "Hope you die!" hahahhhhahahahahahhahahahhahaha