My jokes

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.

Feel my shirt...it's boyfriend material.

What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

I just shed my pants.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.