My jokes

A Texan and an Alaskan walk into a room, and the Alaskan says, "My state is bigger." Then the Texan says, "It won't be when it melts."

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

Feel my shirt...it's boyfriend material.

What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.

I just shed my pants.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Explain Bear is my favorite.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.

+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.

Do trees pee?

How else do we have No. 1 pencils?

My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"

Me "OH NO" 💀

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza. They got plane.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.