My jokes

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

POV there’s a school shooting.

American: First time, European?

European: Yeah, you American?

American: No, not my first time.

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.

What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?

Nemo was eventually found.

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

I'm worth something, I got a barcode on my arm!

"I think my draco might be gay. Why? 'Cause he blow niggas."

Nardo Wick

John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.

Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"

John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.