My jokes

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

John F. Kennedy: "Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 and locked in my in a basement.

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

While fucking, my sister said, "Brother, you are so naughty! You fucked our elder aunt every day in the absence of my uncle and cousins and made her pregnant!" Little did she know, I fucked our mother every day in the absence of her, my father, and my elder brother and made my mom pregnant as well!

I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.