My jokes

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

I cried while my parents were cutting onions... onions was such a good dog.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

My favorite joke: My life.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

I hate snow. It's white and on my land.

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

So, I was in the church the other day, raping this woman, when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.

My sister said that you know that "that" is really cool. Then I said, "You know you can shut up."

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”