My jokes

I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

I cried while my parents were cutting onions... onions was such a good dog.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

My favorite joke: My life.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

I hate snow. It's white and on my land.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.