My jokes

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

I hate snow. It's white and on my land.

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.

My sister said that you know that "that" is really cool. Then I said, "You know you can shut up."

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn't want her, why would I?

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up.

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

I wanted to play as Kobe Bryant on my gaming console, but the game kept crashing.