My jokes

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.

+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

"I think my draco might be gay. Why? 'Cause he blow niggas."

Nardo Wick

John F. Kennedy: "Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

I was in math class, and we were learning geometry. My teacher said, "PENTAGON!" then all of a sudden, PENALDO burst into the room! He thought we were talking about PENS, so he came looking for some because he's a finished pen merchant! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my education! 🤬

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...