My jokes

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.

Do trees pee?

How else do we have No. 1 pencils?

My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"

Me "OH NO" 💀

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza. They got plane.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.

+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.