My jokes

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

JFK: Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.

My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.

The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 and locked in my in a basement.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

I'm worth something, I got a barcode on my arm!