My jokes

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

JFK: Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."

What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?

Nemo was eventually found.

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

POV there’s a school shooting.

American: First time, European?

European: Yeah, you American?

American: No, not my first time.

I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

I'm worth something, I got a barcode on my arm!

"I think my draco might be gay. Why? 'Cause he blow niggas."

Nardo Wick