My Jokes

Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

A cartoon image shows a person sitting on their hand. The hand is depicted as if in pain, with a distorted, pixelated appearance.

Why did Helen Keller's cat run away? I would run away if my name was jufhvfhvurhkso.

My fucking life, cya.

John F. Kennedy: "Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."

I was in math class, and we were learning geometry. My teacher said, "PENTAGON!" then all of a sudden, PENALDO burst into the room! He thought we were talking about PENS, so he came looking for some because he's a finished pen merchant! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my education! 🤬

What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?

Nemo was eventually found.

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

A Texan and an Alaskan walk into a room, and the Alaskan says, "My state is bigger." Then the Texan says, "It won't be when it melts."

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.