My jokes

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 and locked in my in a basement.

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."

What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?

Nemo was eventually found.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

My life is so sad it's because you're in it.

John F. Kennedy: "Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."

POV there’s a school shooting.

American: First time, European?

European: Yeah, you American?

American: No, not my first time.

My fucking life, cya.

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.