My Jokes

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.

POV there’s a school shooting.

American: First time, European?

European: Yeah, you American?

American: No, not my first time.

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

The image shows two photos of a man with an afro, presumably the same person. The top image shows him smiling, looking happy and proud. The caption reads: "Watching my favorite underrated youtuber finally grow and progress." The bottom image shows the same man looking shocked and with a dark background. The caption for the bottom image reads: "He becomes more annoying and cringe over time."

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.

My life is so sad it's because you're in it.

What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?

I would never put a canoe in my garage.

Why do the twin towers and my mom have in common? They fell over.

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

I'm worth something, I got a barcode on my arm!

"I think my draco might be gay. Why? 'Cause he blow niggas."

Nardo Wick

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.

I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.