My jokes

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

My grandpa kept warning the people on the Titanic that the boat was going to sink. Result: he got kicked out of the movie theater.

My sister's boyfriend is pissed cuz I fucked his girl.

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.