My jokes

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."