My jokes

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.

I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”

The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”

The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”

The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”