My jokes

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

JFK: Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.

+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

Do trees pee?

How else do we have No. 1 pencils?

My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"

Me "OH NO" 💀

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.

POV there’s a school shooting.

American: First time, European?

European: Yeah, you American?

American: No, not my first time.

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.

My life is so sad it's because you're in it.

What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?

I would never put a canoe in my garage.

Why do the twin towers and my mom have in common? They fell over.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.