My jokes

My uncle died on September 11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

My sister's boyfriend is pissed cuz I fucked his girl.

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

JFK: Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.

Do trees pee?

How else do we have No. 1 pencils?

My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"

Me "OH NO" 💀

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza. They got plane.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.