My jokes

Dear Orphans,

I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa saw it before you!

Wanna hear a joke?

My life.

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

Follow my Twitch: fifa_king1122

A "monster" that has 2 heads, 2 bodies, 6 feet, why am I not afraid of the "monster"? It's my dad riding a horse.

OMG, I had a really good hand joke, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I asked my dad what his previous job was. He said: "I was a post until I met your mother."

You're so fat that you're gonna be my next hamburger for dinner and the next In-N-Out, just like your parents.

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

My favorite instrument? The TromBONE, of course.

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

I was happy to find I could get a passing grade in all my subjects if I had sex with my teacher, until I remembered I'm home schooled.

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

My math teacher walked by and asked me, "What is that?"

I said, "Paper."

She said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah, do you need glasses?"

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

For my girlfriend and friends to chat :)

Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.

Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.