My jokes
My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.
Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.
I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.
When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."
What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?
I would never put a canoe in my garage.
Why do they call my dick section 8?
Because all the hoes are on it.
My life is so sad it's because you're in it.
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!
I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.
What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"
A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...
My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...
My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.
Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.
My fucking life, cya.
Why did Helen Keller's cat run away? I would run away if my name was jufhvfhvurhkso.
I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."
Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(
So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"
John F. Kennedy: "Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."