My jokes

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.

I want my first time to be special.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza. They got plane.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.

+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.

My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

My son was thrown out of school for letting a schoolgirl wank him off.

"That's the third school this year..." I said to my son, "... Maybe teaching isn't for you."

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.