My jokes

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

Why did Helen Keller's cat run away? I would run away if my name was jufhvfhvurhkso.

My fucking life, cya.

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(

What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?

Nemo was eventually found.

Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

I'm worth something, I got a barcode on my arm!

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."