My jokes

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

Explain Bear is my favorite.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.

Do trees pee?

How else do we have No. 1 pencils?

My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"

Me "OH NO" 💀

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza. They got plane.

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.