My jokes

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"

Feel my shirt...it's boyfriend material.

I just shed my pants.

The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza. They got plane.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.