My jokes
What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.
Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...
His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
I just got my COVID vaccine, and this lady said, "You have no idea what you put in your body." I said, "Yet you are eating chorizo."
My dad is John Cena because I can't see him.
When a woman decides to abort, it is called a decision, but when I run my truck into a playground of kids, it is called murder.
The other day I lost all my crayons.
I just wish I had a shoulder to cray on.
Sugar Honey Ice Tea.
I FORGOT MY JOKE!
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
I asked my zombie boyfriend, "Does he have a brain?" Because he's stupid asf.
There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.
White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"
What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?
My donation to the orphanage :)
What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."
Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.