My jokes

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

My two friends came to me one day and said they had the best blowjob that they ever had from my little sister. So I ask my sister, "Is it true that you gave my friends blowjobs?" She said yes.

My sister asked me, "Do you want one?" I said yeah. My sister gave me a blowjob and wow, just like my friends, it was the best blowjob that I ever had. As an older brother, I couldn't be more prouder.

Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

An ugly, poor teenage girl found a genie lamp in her backyard. The genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes, but under 1 condition."

"What is it?" she asked.

"After I grant your final wish, you have to have sex with me," the genie replied.

"Okay, for my 1st wish, I wish to be the prettiest girl at my school," the genie snapped his fingers and made her pretty.

"For my 2nd wish, I wish for my family to be rich," the genie snapped his fingers and told her her family is now the richest in town.

"And your final wish?" the genie asked.

"I wish I had a sabertoothed vagina."

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.