My jokes

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine? Anyone know what he means?

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

"Bye bye guys, I'mma leave this shithole, but look at my post in the community tab."

[Link]

I watched a movie with a lot of ketchup on the ground.

I don't know why my friends look disgusted.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.