My jokes

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

My two friends came to me one day and said they had the best blowjob that they ever had from my little sister. So I ask my sister, "Is it true that you gave my friends blowjobs?" She said yes.

My sister asked me, "Do you want one?" I said yeah. My sister gave me a blowjob and wow, just like my friends, it was the best blowjob that I ever had. As an older brother, I couldn't be more prouder.

Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?