My jokes

My friend told me to name a country in Africa.

So I said, "Hungry."

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.

Your forehead is so big it blocked my phone service!

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.

The shark bit me and I feet red down my legs.

Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are hee/hee.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."

Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."

Your hairline had to "Fahrt" cuz my ass IS your hairline.

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.

My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."

Her: Eat my ass!

Me: Yes, chef!

"Hey, don’t take my toy! What are you going to tell your parents?"

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!