My jokes

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Person 1: Omg, my blind boyfriend cheated on me.

Person 2: What did you expect? Him to see other hoes...

I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.

I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.

What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

Biden: My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "That's a pretty big word for a 9-year-old!"

Check out my new song. It’s called “Nlggas in the hood,” and it’s really good, so go listen.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

I love to decorate my room because it's a great way to express your heart, though I just remembered, my room is pretty black and empty...

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Hey, get out of my sun!

This boy in my high school choir class had a decently big forehead, so I leaned in and said, "You know, if you painted an H on your forehead, maybe Kobe would've landed."

My back is straighter than I am, and I literally have scoliosis.

Who wants to buy my new NFT?

I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.

My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"

So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."

BF: Babe, I have two questions.

GF: Ok, ask!

BF: Where have you been all my life?

GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?

BF: Can you please go back there?

I'm so emo, my blood is black.