ME jokes
He had a song named after him: "They see me rolling."
"Fuck me, Jarry."
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.
My life.
Kill me, please.
We are drunk at the party. There was an ass-ton of drunk girls there with me.
Me: Says to kid at adoption center, "You're adopted!"
Me and kid: hug.
Thought this site needed a little bit of nice jokes.
If I was going to the doctor, he asked me to turn around, and he stuck a nettle in my ass.
Armless child: Can you give me a hand??
Me: Ok.
Me: I must have a mirror in my jeans, 'cause I see you in my pants.
Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.
Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.
Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!
My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender asks what he wants. The man says, "I would like one beer for me and one for the road."
Please encourage me to do suicide! ;P
Hitler was talking about how to fight in WW2 when someone sneezed while Hitler was giving a speech, so Hitler yelled, "WHO SNEEZED ROW 1? DID ANYONE SNEEZE?" They said no, and Hitler shot everybody. Same for row 2 & 3, but in row 4 someone nervous said, "Me, I'm sorry." Then Hitler said, "Bless you."
My best friend said, "Can you put your dick in me?" I said, "Can I cum in you?"
Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.
Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.
Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.
Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.
Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.
Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)
Are you guys alright?
If you answered yes then you are wrong. You are all LEFT. Kill me, hmph.
(This joke was taken from that none funny b*tch on Britain's Got Talent)
My man is a pussy cunt that sucks my dick.
Joke's on him, he just asked me for bobs and vegana.
A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"