Steak Jokes

sans
in Bar

a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?” the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.

8
Person

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

Kill me
in Cow

What do you call an idiotic cow

A mis-steak!

Anonymous
in Puns

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high…

9

“Oh waiter! Waiter!”

“Yes sir?”

“Do you have frog’s legs?”

“Why yes”

“Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!”

pro joker

I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.

Abhor
in Card

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards… The steaks were pretty high

GMCurto

“Waiter, my steak is too skinny.” “It’s a strip steak, sir.” “At these prices, it should not only strip, but sing and dance too!”

2sad4u
in Puns

My kitchen was rearranged today. The tables have turned and the steaks are higher.

Anonymous
in Gambler

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher’s shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?" The butcher says, “Why yes, as a matter of fact I am.” "Then I’ll bet you $25 you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there." The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I’m sorry, I won’t take that bet." The guy says, “But I thought you said you were a gambling man.” “I am. But the steaks are too high.”

in Jesus

so the man asks me, "Jesus how do you want your steak "

so I said, "well done, my good faithful servant, well done.

Anonymous
in Cow

What do you call a cow that was hit by an anvil? A flat iron steak.

Anonymous
in Puns

What do you call a cow grazing a field with 50% grass and 50% weed?

High steaks gambling.

1
Anonymous
in Puns

What do you call a steak that tastes bad? A MISsteak

1
Anonymous
in Pluto

What did Pluto say to Saturn while barbecuing steaks? Mine is meat-eor than yours

Anonymous
in Cow

I am mis-steak.

messed up

i like my women like i like my steak… bloody

Corrienne Strong
in Meat

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions …you must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate and you must never hold on to any beef . " The Angel then disappeared.  The man did as was told and became generous and kind …as he emerged from the betting office with all his money… he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person…each and everytime. He ,however couldn’t seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what .  When he died the Angel came back for him … “But I’m undeserving I can’t come with you” he said … “Yes you can” replied the Angel , “you gave all your stake ( steak) away”

Anonymous
in Covid

Just before Lockdown began, a woman took her 15 yr old son Tom, and 14, 16 and 18 yr old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.

The weekly family zoom call went well enough…until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14 year old was looking a little…plump. By the 20th week the 16 year old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18 yr old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14 year old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.

So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.

“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”

She started crying. “No, Tommy’s the father! I’m so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it’s been so lonely here without you…I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn’t help myself! And Annie’s been missing her boyfriend at college, and it…it just sort of got out of hand.”

“It’s okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You’ve been isolated for months, up there.”

She wiped her tears away. “I can’t believe how understanding you’re being about this. When we get home I’m making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren’t eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45 pound pail of peanut butter!”

He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn’t wearing pants and the family dog was still licking his dick. “These things happen.”