ME jokes

The waiter asked me, "How would you like your steak?"

I replied, "As soon as possible!"

I never feel offended if my friends don't wish me a happy birthday.

Because that's what I want.

My life.

Kill me, please.

One time, me and the bois got drunk and we were on the freeway...

...when the road was closed because a wild animal species named “The Cult” was on the loose.

America: Saying, "I beg your pardon" in British English is like saying; "What did you say to me you orphaned big forehead shitty ass small dick bitch?"

UK: You Americans are so fucking rude.

America: Oh, I'm SoRrY mIsTeR fAnCy PaNts 👖

Me: September is here!

[Labor Day comes]

Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”

Please encourage me to do suicide! ;P

He had a song named after him: "They see me rolling."

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender asks what he wants. The man says, "I would like one beer for me and one for the road."

Me: I must have a mirror in my jeans, 'cause I see you in my pants.

Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.

Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.

Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!

My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.

What do butts say?

"Help me, I'm getting wiped clean!"

I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.

I tried to dress hot so my boyfriend would cast some attention upon me, but it just made him sweat.

Teacher: Go through the ABCs in pre-school.

Me: Hey, teacher, omae wa mou shindeiru!

Teacher: NANI!?!?

I watched the series of "Unfortunate Events" 4 times, all the shows 4 times. I am crying. I am trying to finish the rest, then my brother comes in and says it is PG (Parental Guidance). After that, my brother called me a baby, then he pushed me off my bed. 😭

Me: *writes Kahoot about me then finishes.*

Me and friend: *plays Kahoot.*

A question: When is (my name) happy?

Friend: *puts a good answer and gets wrong.*

Answer: Never, only a portion.

Friend: Do you need help?

I wish my ex-wife would take me back. :(

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