ME jokes

Someone asked me to go to hell, so I drove to my local middle school.

I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.

Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

Me going to jail after telling the orphan he can't learn about ancient Egypt because he don't know what a mummy is.

Kid 1: I like you! Do you like me?

Kid 2: No. You never asked if I love you!

Kid 1: Aw, do you love me?

Kid 2: No!

My friend: Hey, I got 15 kills!

Me: I got 60 kills!

My friend: I didn't know you played Call of Duty!

Me: What's Call of Duty?

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

"That driving backwards, it creeping me out, you're gonna wreck or something." - Lightning McQueen.

Because that is what could have saved Titanic, and it wrecked.

Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”

Friend: Ok?

Me: I'mma hit puberty!

*hits my friend*

I made a website for orphans, but it wouldn’t let me put a homepage.

Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?

My mom calls me.

Me: WHAT MOM?

No answer.

Me: WHAT?

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

What's the difference between me and my mate...

I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

Your mum stinks of disabled people.

Wanna know why?

I don't know either, you tell me.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.