ME jokes

Your mum stinks of disabled people.

Wanna know why?

I don't know either, you tell me.

My mom calls me.

Me: WHAT MOM?

No answer.

Me: WHAT?

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

What did the orphan say to its parents?

"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"

They people: "No."

Imagine this: You're at math class. The teacher asks you, "What's 11 * 11?" You say, "120." The teacher says, "Wrong!" You say, "How off was I?" The teacher says, "1."

Me rn: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHERES THE RAGE TABLE or something like that.

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

10/7 is probably a spinoff of 9/11.

You can't convince me otherwise.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”

Friend: Ok?

Me: I'mma hit puberty!

*hits my friend*

I made a website for orphans, but it wouldn’t let me put a homepage.

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

9/11 jokes just don't fly around me.