ME jokes
My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.
An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.
Me running after slapping the emo kid's wrist and saying, "I like ya cut g."
I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.
My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.
-JFK
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
Me: GUYS GUYS I CAN STOP 9/11.
My friend: How?
Justin: Justin!
Asian kid: I’m not a doctor, and I’m not good at math.
Me: That’s what I call an orphan!
My mom told me to get a job, so I did.
One day my mom saw me, I had money. My mom asked me where did you get that money? My mom asked me where did you get that money. I said I got a job in the neighborhood. My mom asked me what do you do, so I said when you take showers I secretly open the door, and I let the guys come and see you one by one, and I get paid for it.
My mom said you're growing up so fast, & I said back to my mom that is what the guys say when they see you in the shower.
I said "Uranus!" and the girl beside me face-palmed. I wonder what I did wrong?
One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.
Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"
Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.
The person I hate: Omg, my mom and dad just died.
Me: Omg, I am so sorry, don't worry.
The person I hate: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Well, I have a mom and dad.
The person I hate: Rood.
Me: Shut up.
I drip when you take me in the mouth, what am I? Ice cream.
A retired George W. Bush is eating a donut at 7/11 and looks at it. "I'm so happy I did that." A guy overhears the conversation and says, "You're happy you bought that donut? Oh haha, I would be too. I love donuts!" George W. Bush then says, "Oh hahaha, you caught me," and then says, "Oh hahaha, you must have heard me wrong. I said, I'm so happy I did 9/11."
Tell me a joke.
OK, your face.
So, I went up to an Australian girl. She looked like she was 20, and I said, "Can I have your phone number, sweetheart?" She said, "696969." I said, "Oh, haha, okay." A few days later, her mother called me and said she's 15.
Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?
Me: Nah, not really.
Friend: What did they feel like?
Me: 7th grade.
Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨