ME jokes

Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.

Friend: Why?

Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.

My teacher called me beautiful. I hate when she lies.

An orphan's favorite Roblox game is Adopt Me.

Kid: Which were me, are your parents?

Orphan: What are parents?

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer."

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

Why does everyone call me racist?

My shadow is black.

Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.

My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.

I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"

The ball kept getting bigger and bigger...

And then it hit me.

Sister: You're so stupid.

Me: Calling me stupid doesn't make you any smarter!