ME jokes

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

Is there a really annoying girl at your school and she's so fake? Well, say this:

Me: Hey, I have a nickname for you.

Her: Really? What?

Me: Sweet-in-low.

Her: Why?

Me: Because you're artificial.

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”

Any 8 year old: Sus!

Me: Jake, we're at a funeral!

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

I couldn’t figure out why the football kept getting bigger... then it hit me!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Chicken.

Chicken who?

Are you chicken me????!!!!

Lady: "Can I lick your balls?"

Me: "Ummmmm, ok?"

Lady: *grabs ball sack and licks my balls*

Me: "I'm gonna have to clean these now!"

Lady: "Let me do that."

Me: "No, thank you! I have to use these baseballs for practice!"

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

When I throw a dodge ball at a person taller than me, it's always a nut shot.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

I hate when my father doesn't cook me cocktails for tea.

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".

My friends: "I dare you to go home."

Your hairline reminds me of a car taking a U-turn.

What's the difference between me and Elizabeth Afton?

Her dad always comes back.

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

Friend: Why?

Me: Because they don't have a mother or father's day.

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.