ME jokes

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

"I got that dawg in me," said the Asian men after lunch.

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

Why does everyone call me racist?

My shadow is black.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

I met a fat chick at the beach.

People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

Do you know why they call me battery saver?

I get turned on when it’s below 10%.