ME jokes

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game? Adopt Me!

Me: You have terrible jokes.

Mum: Shows me a mirror.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.

When your mama went to Sea World, the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

I wonder why the baseball was getting larger and larger, then it hit me.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?

"Can you give me some pointers?"

Me: Hey Joe, updog.

Joe: What?

Me: Updog.

Joe: What's updog?

*Facepalms*

Me: Lol in the corner.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

I love stairs. They always bring me up.

Nobody:

Me: "Nobody:" "Me:"

Me: Knock knock.

Friend: Who's there?

Me: A broken pencil.

Friend: A broken pencil who?

Me: Nevermind, it's pointless.

They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!

Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.

Someone else: How was it?

Me: It's a long story.