ME jokes

I hope you SEA me around later, 'cause I SHORE won't stay here for long.

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

I couldn’t figure out why the football kept getting bigger... then it hit me!

Lady: "Can I lick your balls?"

Me: "Ummmmm, ok?"

Lady: *grabs ball sack and licks my balls*

Me: "I'm gonna have to clean these now!"

Lady: "Let me do that."

Me: "No, thank you! I have to use these baseballs for practice!"

Student: Why does everyone hate me?

Another student: Because U got the A last night.

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.

I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.

Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?

Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.

Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?

John: I don't know.

Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"

Who wants to laugh about life with me?

Is it just me, or everybody has a dark side, like a psycho side, and then you act like crazy for some reason?

Bf: Babe, do you love me?

Gf: Of course, why do you ask?

Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.

My chocolate babe is calling my name, and now I'm about to get my chocolate freak on.