ME jokes

One day this kid says to his dad, "Dad, they bully me at school."

His dad asks why, and the kid says, "They bully me because I got no hands."

Then his dad says, "Who would do such a thing like that? I want to know who they are. Point at them!"

What does 6 tell 7?

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

Me: What's the fifth month of the year?

Friend: May.

Me: May deez nuts fit in your mouth?

Me: How do cowboys say hello?

Friend: Howdy.

Me: How do deez nuts fit in your mouth?

Some of you need to go to church. I don't want you in hell with me.

I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.

I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.

Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?

Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

What do you call an orphan's family region?

Me time.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"

Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."