ME jokes
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.
I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.
Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.
They always make me cry.
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
I wonder why the baseball was getting larger and larger, then it hit me.
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"
Nobody:
Me: "Nobody:" "Me:"