ME jokes

My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.

I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.

Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears!

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.

Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

In Saudi Arabia, there lived a man named Abdul.

Abdul rhymes with Azul, the Spanish word for blue.

And he probably be lookin' more blue than me.

I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

I am awesome, look at me!

God, you’re having a good day?

Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Asking for a friend, could anyone please tell me how to politely ask a question for a friend?

Figure: Who wants to play hide and seek?

Seek and Hide: Me.

Figure: Okay, hide and I will hide and Seek will be it.

Seek: Why do I have to be it?

Figure: Because your name says so.

Me: Yo, dude! Yo mama so fat when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes!

My friend's mom: Why you bully me?