ME jokes
They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?
I am in trouble.
My mom told me to be positive...
I was heading to an HIV test.
Baby: Stroll?
Me: *puts baby in stroller* WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL!
Baby: *happily screams*
Stroller: *front wheels break off*
Me: WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL WITH NO FRONT WHEELS!
Baby: Oka- CRASH!
I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.
What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?
We're all empty on the inside.
Memes
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."
When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.
Some kid online: I f*cked your mom.
Me, an orphan: Jokes on you, I don’t have one!
What do you call an orphan's family region?
Me time.
When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"
I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.
I forgot what a boomerang was. Oh well, it’ll come back to me.
I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.
Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?
Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.
Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!
Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.
I caught my wife cheating on me.
I beat my son and grounded him.