ME jokes

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

Do you know why they call me battery saver?

I get turned on when it’s below 10%.

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.

When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.

Did you get seafood without me?

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

In Saudi Arabia, there lived a man named Abdul.

Abdul rhymes with Azul, the Spanish word for blue.

And he probably be lookin' more blue than me.

Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.